Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
