Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
