Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
