my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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