Cold hands, warm shart.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
