The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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