my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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