so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
