I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
