Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
