Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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