My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
