i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I need water and some morals
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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