do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
