so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
