what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
