I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
