Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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