Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
now i know why i became what i already was.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
