You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Randomize
