I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
