i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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