I can tuck mytits in my pants
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i think i scared a bird with my dick
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
