A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
