Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
