She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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