i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I love having hate sex.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
