this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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