So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
