Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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