Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Holy shit dude........stairs
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