I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
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If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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