I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I supernannyed him into submission
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
