I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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