i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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