it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
