Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
