We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So vagazzling was a success
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