apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
