my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
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