I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
and i looked up. we had an audience...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
