I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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