if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Everclear isn't food dammit
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
