how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
