that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This is my gift to your gina
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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