I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
