I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
