I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
