the condom got lost in my hair
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
