I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
