We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
