She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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