Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
