if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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