I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
