i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
