Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I got inside last night via doggy door
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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