he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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