My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
