i jhust puked up my retainher.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
two words...techno handjob
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
