I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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