i need an iv and a liver transplant
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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